Death Grip

Most of the time and in most situations, I'm quite guarded about sharing the longings and depth of feeling in my heart. There seems to be an assumption (on my part) that it is "unacceptable" to unmask the beast, so to speak. It isn't that I'm not authentic, I suppose I'm just not fully authentic for fear it would scare most people away. There is likely some wisdom to that.... knowing the "time and place" to be fully exposed emotionally/spiritually. I would say that this phenomenon I experience is the cause of a certain sense of loneliness amongst believers.... fully functional, active believers can quite honestly feel very, very alone.

My Uncle, my mom's only sibling, was the model, stereotypical, highly-praised Christian man. He was single, devoted to music ministry, a gifted pianist, and a missionary t'boot. He owned umpteen bibles, umpteen cds, and umpteen Christian books. He had scripture scribbled EVERYWHERE....on post-its and note cards all over his house. By any typical church standard, he really had it together.

A few months ago, I received one of the worst phone calls of my life. I had gone out for a long jog. In fact I ran more than 4 miles that particular day. I was exhausted, but in a good way. I love to jog alone, with no music, and meditate or talk to the Lord.. As I was walking up to my front door, my oldest son greeted me with a look of distress on his face. He said, "Uncle Cary is dead, mom. Uncle Cary is dead. You have to call Aunt Stacia." I immediately thought he had a heart attack or there was a terrible accident. I called my sister who was crying and could hardly speak. She handed the phone off to my brother-in-law who told me that Cary had taken his own life. I honestly don't know how actresses do it, because I don't think I could ever replicate the horror that instantly came out of me. I have never made those sounds nor have I ever cried like that before. I was overwhelmed by grief, sadness, and deep, deep despair. How could this have happened? How could this be real?

The weeks that followed were just full of things that no one wants to do or experience. Since he was single, my sisters and I went through his personal things basically, so my mother wouldn't have to. We sorted through the typical junk and stuff everyone has in their house. In our pilfering, we came across his personal notes and journals. They were full of despair. Such sadness, grief, anger, and despair. He was disconnected from the body......isolated and alone. Did he reach out? Did he try? I am convinced that his heart was so guarded, that no one knew the depths of his authentic self. No one was allowed in for assumed rejection or disdain. What a torturous place to be.


I really haven't known what to do with a lot of my feelings towards my uncle. If it is one thing I've learned about death, it is that life doesn't stop for it. My kids and my husband have all needed me at the same rate as before my uncle died. Once I returned home, there were meals to cook, lessons to teach, and laundry to do (as always). I pressed on with the immediate, not knowing how to process the past. I thought I would just "move on," but every now and then I'm overcome by the loss of him. He was such a gift. An amazing gift to this world. Why didn't he know it? He was surrounded by love. He just couldn't see it.... He just couldn't see it.

For Real?

I've mentioned before that my kids are so "conversational" at bedtime... well, tonight Jenna's question was: "So, are you naturally my mother?? Or was I lost or something and came to you guys? ....like I was lost in the woods or something?"

For real?? Glad we got that cleared up by her 7th birthday.

10 again

Tonight I had a jogging date with my next door neighbor, Alisha. We haven't ran together in a while and I was looking forward to having a conversation with a human while getting my exercise. We left a few minutes early because it looked like rain, but that never deters us anyhow.

Honest to God, half a mile into our run in DOWNPOURS. I mean horizontal, pelting, stinging rain. We were screaming, laughing, and soaked. COMPLETELY soaked. We were offered a ride by a creepy old man, but decided to take cover under a stranger's doorstep for a few minutes until it stopped. We soon realized that it was NOT going to stop and the only option was to run back home in the pelting, stinging, horizontal rain. Again we laughed, screamed and looked utterly ridiculous I'm sure.

I got back home, left my clothes in a pile in the kitchen and ran for dry clothes. My wet clothes left a huge puddle on my kitchen floor........I totally couldn't believe how much water I was wearing. By the time I got changed I looked at the clock - 8pm. I looked outside - clearing and sunny, no rain. The original time we were supposed to jog?? 8 o'clock. For real?? Sure called that one wrong!!

I think God knew that today I needed to run in the rain, laughing and screaming with a girlfriend just like we were ten all over again. It did my soul good.

True Love

I always spend some snuggle time with each of my kids at bedtime. Since I have FOUR, I have to psych myself up for it a lot of times. I get tired and cranky and just plain tempted to skip it. The thing that keeps me going is that it seems everyone is contemplative at the end of the day, and some of our best "talks" and questions come out then. Well last night, out of the blue, Jenna turns to me and says, "Mom... I'd rather die than you ever have to die."

Wow. She's six and I think she just tagged the meaning of True Love.

All Shook Up

I suppose that title sort of sums up my insides lately. I wish it were just a cute reference to an Elvis song, but not so. I have just felt off. Insecure, rattled, vulnerable, scared, and needy. I absolutely hate feeling those things, by the way.

There is nothing like a trip to the bottom of the pit to remind me what "trust," "rely," and "refuge" actually mean. Those words seem so trivial when all is right with the world (or my world, rather).

I don't know...

Ok, really. I don't know what my problem is. I get out of the blogging habit and then I just can't get started again. It's like ignoring a messy room. The longer you shut the door, the harder it seems to open the door and just clean it already! So, maybe by posting the short, uninformative, and dumb blurb I will feel like I "started" blogging again :-)

Still going, "hmmmmm."

" 'I've learned that any time my success depends on another person's response, I will manipulate them.' "

Authentic Relationships
W. Jacobsen


manipulate (v.): To influence people in a clever way so that they do what you want them to do.

Try replacing the word "success" in the above quote with anything that comes to mind... like: happiness, feeling of acceptance, status, fulfillment, etc. Sheds some light, eh?

4th child syndrome

Seth: "They're destroying my life!"

Mom: "Who's destroying your life?"

Seth: "They are!" (as he points to his brothers and sister....with his middle finger no less)

Oh boy. This kid has a long road ahead of him :-)

He planted as we planted

As I was planting some starter flower seeds inside with my kids today, the Holy Spirit opened my eyes in an "AHA!" kind of way. Those moments, no joke, are gold to me. The presence of God. His Voice. His Touch. His Wisdom. His involvement and Mercy in my life. These things are priceless. They are worth more than any tangible thing this world has to offer. I savor those moments. I cherish them. I don't want to EVER take them for granted.

So as I'm tediously helping the little ones plant seeds, my spiritual understanding was awakened to the physical analogy that I was staring at. God likened my children to seeds. They are packed with life in their current form. They are curious. They are industrious. They are eager... They want to touch. They want to see. They want to try. Life is present, but it can be snuffed out if the right conditions do not exist.

Seeds need warmth, moisture, and soil to begin the process of germination. Homeschooling is about providing the "right atmosphere" for learning to flourish and understanding to grow. I can shove a seed in dry soil in the scorching sunlight and demand it to grow if I want, but I'm not going to get the results I desire. God knows my children... He knows what conditions are best for them. I'm willing to lay down my agenda and start listening to His.

The Hammer Speaks

If you're alive in the year 2009 and you homeschool, you'd have to live in a cave to not know how many curriculum choices are available. It's kind of how I feel at the grocery store sometimes, but worse I guess. Every single curriculum "brand" has its reasons for being the best and the answer to all of your homeschool "needs." I've been at this a while now and in my experience, there is usually a grain of truth in all of them.

So, What to do?? Well, I've often heard from wise homeschool veterans that a curriculum choice is only a "tool" and not your master. I've heard it many times over the last six years, in fact.. or so I thought. With the help of the Holy Spirit, I think I really heard it for the first time today.

I've been meditating on the written works of Maryln Howshall a lot lately in my search for truth. My conversations with God have been centered primarily on education... what it means, what it is, what it isn't. He's been speaking to me so sweetly and faithfully. Just when I think I'm a total washup, He'll show me how hope is not lost.

As I was going about my day, really not thinking about anything, the idea of a tool came to my mind... a hammer, specifically. In a split second it occurred to me how ridiculous it would be for a hammer to dictate to a carpenter what he should do next. I even pictured a sort of cartoon hammer talking, giving instructions. In that second I felt as if I "got it" on a deeper level. I, the mother, through the inspiration and guidance of the Holy Spirit, am authorized by God to set goals for my children. Those long-term goals will help me decide which tools to pick up along the way, just as a design will dictate which supplies are purchased and which tools are needed to complete the job. You see the focus isn't the tools, but the LONG-TERM process of reaching God-ordained goals through growth of character, skills, understanding, and abilities. This simple realization brought such relief and freedom to my soul.

The society we live in brings with it so many distractions from what really matters... eternal things. The homeschool world brings its own set of distractions and entanglements. Freedom is what I long for and it hasn't seemed to come without a fight.

No strings. Really?

Motives. Such tricky, sneaky, and deceptive buggers they are!! I've been thinking about motives over the past few days. What I mean is, I've been asking myself, "Self... why do you do the things you do for your (fill in the blank) husband, kids, family, friends, neighbors, etc.?" You see, I've noticed that it is really easy to assume that I'm doing something out of a pure heart. BUT..just when I don't get the response, recognition, or appreciation I think I should get from my lofty kindness and generosity, I think the TRUE story unfolds and it becomes obvious who (or what) I'm really serving. For example, say I generously donate many of my possessions to a family member in need. Two weeks later this person calls to see if I want to meet up for a cup of coffee. I say, "Great!" assuming all the while that they want to take me out to thank me for my goodness towards them. Well... what if they never say even a word of thanks?? What if they don't even offer to pay for my $1.88 cup of coffee?? Will I be hurt? Will I feel slighted??

I think when I truly give with no strings attached, then I am free to do it happily NO MATTER WHAT THE RESPONSE. What was that? Oh yeah, NO MATTER WHAT THE RESPONSE.

Now, the above scenario has never exactly happened, but versions of it definitely have. I hate that. It's stinky, filthy, and full of impurity. I don't want to give to get. I don't want to give to influence. I don't want to give to manipulate. I want to follow Jesus and let Him sort out the rest. I just don't want to fool myself anymore.

Meow??

The older I get, the more I've noticed that God tends to speak to me through his creation and the natural order of things. So, a funny thing occurred to me a few days ago....

We just recently adopted 2 cats from the Humane Society. I have never EVER owned a cat before and I was very nervous about it. I grew up with dogs and my husband and I had a dog a few years ago which turned out to be a very negative experience for our family (another story for another time). I seriously thought I NEVER wanted to own another pet again. And I really thought I hated cats. I had never met one that I liked. They always seemed snobby or mean or creepy or something. There was this one cat that my husband's family owned when we were dating. This psycho cat used to attack my long hair. It would launch out of no where and attack my head, scaring me to death in the process. Anyhow, my daughter.... my only daughter really, really, really wanted a cat. So, after a year or so of begging, I gave in.

Well, guess what?? I love my cats. Seriously. I am totally a cat person. I was thanking God for this the other day because I had really prayed that he would direct this second pet attempt. I just couldn't feel like a pet failure again and damage my kids in the process. So while I'm thanking God I suddenly realize that I love those cats because I "get" them. I am like a cat in some ways. God wired me to really like to interact with people... to talk and play and laugh... BUT THEN, I really need some solitude. I need to be alone with God and with my own thoughts. I guess to refocus or rejuvenate or something. That's how my kitty's are. They'll come out of wherever they've been sleeping to see what's going on. To watch me cook, play with each other or play with one of the kids. Then, after an hour or so of interaction, they're back in their hiding places. I know it sounds silly, but God really helped me understand myself a bit more by giving me this analogy.

Who knew? I have the personality of a cat.

me,me,me,me,me,me..

"Most people treat others as their servants, trying to get out of them whatever
they need to be happy."

W.J.
authentic relationships

Digging deep

"We cannot do for others what hasn't already been done for us.
Remember, Jesus' words to his disciples were to love one another in the same
way he had loved them. His words hold true for you and me
today. You cannot forgive others if you are not experiencing God's
forgiveness for you. You cannot serve others unless you know that God is
providing everything you need. You cannot live in kindness to others until
you see God's kindness toward you. In that sense the one anothering Scriptures are
less mandates to obey than they are descriptions of what love frees us to
do. ....That security in God's love is what will free you to live a
one anothering
life."

W.J.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the issue of control. Controlling seems to be the opposite of what Wayne would call, "one anothering." When I am attempting to control other people, my kids, reactions, or circumstances, I can see how that behavior is rooted in fear and is very self-centered. Fear, I suppose, that God isn't going to take care of me and isn't going to meet my needs...therefore I must take the bull by the horns and do it myself!!! Oh, how subtle this lack of trust can be. It is so easy to blame it on the ill-behavior or selfishness of other people. I think being free means not having to look out for myself anymore or fight for my own "rights." When I don't have to do that, I'm freed up to focus on other people instead of myself all the time. I think that right there might be worth anything I "think" I'm giving up by serving others.

"A self-centered life is its own punishment."

W. J.

The original design

"If you have ever shared friendships with others-focused people, you know
what a treasure those friends are. They take an interest in you just
because they care. Their concern is not tied to their own needs and
desires in the relationship. Their care for you demands nothing in return
and rejoices just to see you blessed. They open their life like a
book and let you read it freely. You don't ever have to guess what they
are thinking, because they will come right out and tell you, and they make you
feel safe enough so that you don't have to pretend with them. They offer
their counsel freely but never demand that you follow it. They give you
the freedom to disagree and the flexibility to do things differently from how
they would do it without ever compromising their love for you. Almost
without thinking they would give you the shirt off their back if they knew you
needed it, but they won't always give you everything you want. They look
past your faults and celebrate your promise and offer their help to get you
there. ....Such friends find their origin in God's heart. No one can
love so freely whom God has not first loved deeply."

Wayne Jacobsen

Truly free people have no problem letting other people be free. Am I that free??

Things that make you go, "Hmmmmm."

So, I'm reading this book right now and God is totally speaking to me through it. So much so, that I can't read very much at a time. I read a little bit and I just need to stop and digest the words slowly. I get really excited when this happens, because frankly, every book I go to read is not like this. In fact, for about the last year I have read less than ever before because I sensed God urging me to go to his word ON MY OWN...without the words of another author. This has helped me to become more and more confident in my own ability to learn from God's word by myself (well, with the help of the Holy Spirit, obviously).

Anyhow, I thought I would take a few days or weeks or whatever it turns into to post the tid-bits that I'm chewing on as I read. So, here ya go:

"Even though we want close relationships, we subvert the desire by
holding people at arms length. Poised to protect ourselves from hurt and
disappointment, we think the best solution is to look out for ourselves.
There is no better strategy than this for ending up alone and isolated while
comfortably blaming others in the process."

Wayne Jacobsen

anyway

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and new enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help but may attack you if you try to help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

-----------------------------From a sign on the wall of Shishu Bhavan,
-------------------------------------a children's home in Calcutta


God has been literally burning my insides with the realization that HE ALONE is who I serve..... no matter what kind of treatment or response I get from others. It is amazingly freeing and un-complicated. This poem floored me because it confirmed so many things that I've been experiencing and resisting, all at the same time.

Not so sorry.

It has occurred to me lately, that I've started censoring the things God is teaching me. You know, softening it up a bit so as not to offend.......or maybe just trying to not sound so "crazy." Sometimes I think that's my beef with blogging. It takes so much effort to be "me" in a way better, politically correct version when I blog.

In the famous words of Dr. Phil, I ask myself... "So how's that working for ya?" I think you know the answer..

So, here's the gist. I have been born again by the power of an awesome, living God. He deposited in me a part of himself known as the Holy Spirit. That Spirit, which IS God, communicates Truth to me in a way that I can get it. My journey as a follower of Christ is dependent on listening to that Voice. I'm floored that an all-powerful God wants to make himself personally accessible to me. Crazy, I know, but it's true. Want to know what else is crazy? If you're born again, the same stuff is happening inside of you. I don't think I'm a preacher. I don't think I'm special. I don't even think I'm always right. I just think that being a "Christian" is that real, that relevant, and that personal.

So from here on out, in my attempt to not be a complete and total blog failure, I plan on sharing my own experiences with Him.

Really?

My second-born son is celebrating his birthday today w/ grandparents and aunts. One of his grandmas and two of his aunts went in together and bought him Guitar Hero World Tour. Seriously, I was fixing my hair listening to them singing "Eye of the Tiger" and "Livin on a Prayer." I thought I was going to crack up... SO STINKIN FUNNY!

It all comes down to this...

Almost 12 years ago I gave birth to my very first baby. In my heart I really wanted to have a boy. I grew up around all girls.....two sisters and mostly girl cousins. Everything about being pregnant the first time around is special...the attention, the clothes, the doctor visits, the nursery, the baby shower. There is so much anticipation and excitement AND without having anybody to take care of but myself and my husband, I had time to soak up that excitement. I had prayed in earnest for a baby and even written letters to my future children. Being a mother was all I really ever wanted (aside from marrying Prince Charming :-) God blessed us with a boy the first time around... and not just a precious, amazing boy, but a precious, amazing boy born with red hair... RED hair! We instantly fell in love.

As fairy tale as that all sounds, getting used to motherhood was at times more like a horror story. Me on no sleep and whacked out hormones is not a pretty picture. Learning to care for another life awed me. I didn't want to mess anything up. My child deserved perfection and I was going to try my darnedest to give it to him! I read parenting book after parenting book and prayed..a lot. Deep down, I knew that my mistakes would be many and that gnawed at me.

My how the years fly. In some ways, after more babies came, it all seems like a blur. I look at my oldest baby and I just don't understand how he got so big, so fast. He reminds me regularly that he is almost a teenager (because he knows I hate it) and I think I've lulled myself into thinking that I could continue to train him as if he were still my young child. Well, he's not.

During a regular homeschool day this week, Josh seemed very emotional about a subject. I continued to press him as to why he was getting so upset. A little digging caused a much deeper issue to surface. At first I was annoyed (this is "interrupting" school, you know) and then I realized that this was exactly what God wanted for our day. You see normally, I patch and fix everything for my kids. I'm "supermom" (as I tell them) and I seem to always have "the answer." I have no problem answering with, "I don't know," sometimes, but I have a knack for always resolving the matter somehow (so I think). In the midst of trying to encourage Josh, I got a very strong sense that right now, right here, things are different. I could clearly see the Josh needs to start depending on God ALL BY HIMSELF. I CANNOT remove his fears, I CANNOT convince him of things, I CANNOT KNOW GOD FOR HIM. But I want to.

You see, getting to know God is a very imperfect and windy road. It is amazing, it is hard, it is confusing, it is illuminating. I can't believe we're at this place, already. All the control I thought I had comes down to this....

trusting God to be Himself for my son. Oh Lord, why is that so hard?

Myth Buster

So I was thinking of how my last post could be construed as a "Beaver Cleaver" kind of family experience. I decided to bust that myth because that is in no way what I meant about the recipe for true family. Let me explain...

Last Sunday was filled with lots of experiences and interactions between my family. We laughed, we yelled, we got mad, we made up. We cooked a big breakfast at 3 in the afternoon. It was fun, it was boring. We did end up having to leave the house. My kids discovered they could text each other using Nintendos and I let them.

It wasn't picture perfect and we didn't sing around the campfire. We DID learn more about each other, about tolerance, about love, about forgiveness. And we're learning about it together. My dream is that our family's function won't be handed over to the entertainment that comes so easily in our society. We're bonded not by perfection but by the experience of learning about each other in this petri dish called family. In my opinion, that is worth fighting for. Honestly, sometimes, I feel like I'm in a war.

Be still.

It is nearly 1 pm on Sunday afternoon. I am still in my pj's, wearing glasses, and my hair hasn't seen the likes of a comb today. My kids have probably asked me 10 times what we're doing today and they didn't like my response: NOTHING. I pointed out the constant flood of activity that went on yesterday... the friends they saw and games they played all throughout the day. They replied, "Oh," in a semi-surprised tone as if they had already forgotten about yesterday's entertainment.

So our agenda today is to be still. No noise. No tv. Nothing outside coming in. Just us.. each other. Spontaneous conversations. Nothing contrived or pre-planned. My recipe for true family.

Note to Self..

If I charge my own mp3 player, I wouldn't have to listen to Alvin & the Chipmunks, Miley Cyrus, or H.S. Musical tunes while I workout. Just a thought :-)

Numb

Obviously, from my month-long silence, I have had trouble being motivated to write about anything lately. I don't even know what I'm going to write about now, but I figured maybe if my hands hit the keyboard that something would come out. I think it is kind of like exercise, the hardest part is getting started...

Writing is sort of a love/hate relationship for me. On occasion, it has been a wonderful creative outlet for me and has helped to organize my own thoughts and beliefs. I have had so many "ah ha!" moments of my own while writing. On the flip side, it can just seem too emotionally taxing for me to put my thoughts on paper. Most of the time I am my own worst enemy and talk myself right out of it.

So, here I am. Sort of numb, sort of empty, willing to give it a try once again....


The past few days have sucked (sorry if that shocks you). I have wondered if God is there. I have wondered what the flippin heck is taking so long for our "situation" to turn around. I am tired (sick AND tired to quote Bill Cosby) of waiting. I have been angry. I have cried. Cried really hard. I have wondered if I like people at all anymore (very Christian, I know) and I feel as if I don't know anything for sure either.

So, I am empty of tears and empty of much emotion. I am simply waiting to hear the Voice in the calm that can make it all better.


Well, I guess that's a start.