Sunday, February 8, 2009
Really?
My second-born son is celebrating his birthday today w/ grandparents and aunts. One of his grandmas and two of his aunts went in together and bought him Guitar Hero World Tour. Seriously, I was fixing my hair listening to them singing "Eye of the Tiger" and "Livin on a Prayer." I thought I was going to crack up... SO STINKIN FUNNY!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
It all comes down to this...
Almost 12 years ago I gave birth to my very first baby. In my heart I really wanted to have a boy. I grew up around all girls.....two sisters and mostly girl cousins. Everything about being pregnant the first time around is special...the attention, the clothes, the doctor visits, the nursery, the baby shower. There is so much anticipation and excitement AND without having anybody to take care of but myself and my husband, I had time to soak up that excitement. I had prayed in earnest for a baby and even written letters to my future children. Being a mother was all I really ever wanted (aside from marrying Prince Charming :-) God blessed us with a boy the first time around... and not just a precious, amazing boy, but a precious, amazing boy born with red hair... RED hair! We instantly fell in love.
As fairy tale as that all sounds, getting used to motherhood was at times more like a horror story. Me on no sleep and whacked out hormones is not a pretty picture. Learning to care for another life awed me. I didn't want to mess anything up. My child deserved perfection and I was going to try my darnedest to give it to him! I read parenting book after parenting book and prayed..a lot. Deep down, I knew that my mistakes would be many and that gnawed at me.
My how the years fly. In some ways, after more babies came, it all seems like a blur. I look at my oldest baby and I just don't understand how he got so big, so fast. He reminds me regularly that he is almost a teenager (because he knows I hate it) and I think I've lulled myself into thinking that I could continue to train him as if he were still my young child. Well, he's not.
During a regular homeschool day this week, Josh seemed very emotional about a subject. I continued to press him as to why he was getting so upset. A little digging caused a much deeper issue to surface. At first I was annoyed (this is "interrupting" school, you know) and then I realized that this was exactly what God wanted for our day. You see normally, I patch and fix everything for my kids. I'm "supermom" (as I tell them) and I seem to always have "the answer." I have no problem answering with, "I don't know," sometimes, but I have a knack for always resolving the matter somehow (so I think). In the midst of trying to encourage Josh, I got a very strong sense that right now, right here, things are different. I could clearly see the Josh needs to start depending on God ALL BY HIMSELF. I CANNOT remove his fears, I CANNOT convince him of things, I CANNOT KNOW GOD FOR HIM. But I want to.
You see, getting to know God is a very imperfect and windy road. It is amazing, it is hard, it is confusing, it is illuminating. I can't believe we're at this place, already. All the control I thought I had comes down to this....
trusting God to be Himself for my son. Oh Lord, why is that so hard?
As fairy tale as that all sounds, getting used to motherhood was at times more like a horror story. Me on no sleep and whacked out hormones is not a pretty picture. Learning to care for another life awed me. I didn't want to mess anything up. My child deserved perfection and I was going to try my darnedest to give it to him! I read parenting book after parenting book and prayed..a lot. Deep down, I knew that my mistakes would be many and that gnawed at me.
My how the years fly. In some ways, after more babies came, it all seems like a blur. I look at my oldest baby and I just don't understand how he got so big, so fast. He reminds me regularly that he is almost a teenager (because he knows I hate it) and I think I've lulled myself into thinking that I could continue to train him as if he were still my young child. Well, he's not.
During a regular homeschool day this week, Josh seemed very emotional about a subject. I continued to press him as to why he was getting so upset. A little digging caused a much deeper issue to surface. At first I was annoyed (this is "interrupting" school, you know) and then I realized that this was exactly what God wanted for our day. You see normally, I patch and fix everything for my kids. I'm "supermom" (as I tell them) and I seem to always have "the answer." I have no problem answering with, "I don't know," sometimes, but I have a knack for always resolving the matter somehow (so I think). In the midst of trying to encourage Josh, I got a very strong sense that right now, right here, things are different. I could clearly see the Josh needs to start depending on God ALL BY HIMSELF. I CANNOT remove his fears, I CANNOT convince him of things, I CANNOT KNOW GOD FOR HIM. But I want to.
You see, getting to know God is a very imperfect and windy road. It is amazing, it is hard, it is confusing, it is illuminating. I can't believe we're at this place, already. All the control I thought I had comes down to this....
trusting God to be Himself for my son. Oh Lord, why is that so hard?
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