Digging deep

"We cannot do for others what hasn't already been done for us.
Remember, Jesus' words to his disciples were to love one another in the same
way he had loved them. His words hold true for you and me
today. You cannot forgive others if you are not experiencing God's
forgiveness for you. You cannot serve others unless you know that God is
providing everything you need. You cannot live in kindness to others until
you see God's kindness toward you. In that sense the one anothering Scriptures are
less mandates to obey than they are descriptions of what love frees us to
do. ....That security in God's love is what will free you to live a
one anothering
life."

W.J.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the issue of control. Controlling seems to be the opposite of what Wayne would call, "one anothering." When I am attempting to control other people, my kids, reactions, or circumstances, I can see how that behavior is rooted in fear and is very self-centered. Fear, I suppose, that God isn't going to take care of me and isn't going to meet my needs...therefore I must take the bull by the horns and do it myself!!! Oh, how subtle this lack of trust can be. It is so easy to blame it on the ill-behavior or selfishness of other people. I think being free means not having to look out for myself anymore or fight for my own "rights." When I don't have to do that, I'm freed up to focus on other people instead of myself all the time. I think that right there might be worth anything I "think" I'm giving up by serving others.

"A self-centered life is its own punishment."

W. J.

The original design

"If you have ever shared friendships with others-focused people, you know
what a treasure those friends are. They take an interest in you just
because they care. Their concern is not tied to their own needs and
desires in the relationship. Their care for you demands nothing in return
and rejoices just to see you blessed. They open their life like a
book and let you read it freely. You don't ever have to guess what they
are thinking, because they will come right out and tell you, and they make you
feel safe enough so that you don't have to pretend with them. They offer
their counsel freely but never demand that you follow it. They give you
the freedom to disagree and the flexibility to do things differently from how
they would do it without ever compromising their love for you. Almost
without thinking they would give you the shirt off their back if they knew you
needed it, but they won't always give you everything you want. They look
past your faults and celebrate your promise and offer their help to get you
there. ....Such friends find their origin in God's heart. No one can
love so freely whom God has not first loved deeply."

Wayne Jacobsen

Truly free people have no problem letting other people be free. Am I that free??

Things that make you go, "Hmmmmm."

So, I'm reading this book right now and God is totally speaking to me through it. So much so, that I can't read very much at a time. I read a little bit and I just need to stop and digest the words slowly. I get really excited when this happens, because frankly, every book I go to read is not like this. In fact, for about the last year I have read less than ever before because I sensed God urging me to go to his word ON MY OWN...without the words of another author. This has helped me to become more and more confident in my own ability to learn from God's word by myself (well, with the help of the Holy Spirit, obviously).

Anyhow, I thought I would take a few days or weeks or whatever it turns into to post the tid-bits that I'm chewing on as I read. So, here ya go:

"Even though we want close relationships, we subvert the desire by
holding people at arms length. Poised to protect ourselves from hurt and
disappointment, we think the best solution is to look out for ourselves.
There is no better strategy than this for ending up alone and isolated while
comfortably blaming others in the process."

Wayne Jacobsen

anyway

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and new enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Be good anyway.

Honesty and frankness will make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People need help but may attack you if you try to help them.
Help them anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway.

-----------------------------From a sign on the wall of Shishu Bhavan,
-------------------------------------a children's home in Calcutta


God has been literally burning my insides with the realization that HE ALONE is who I serve..... no matter what kind of treatment or response I get from others. It is amazingly freeing and un-complicated. This poem floored me because it confirmed so many things that I've been experiencing and resisting, all at the same time.

Not so sorry.

It has occurred to me lately, that I've started censoring the things God is teaching me. You know, softening it up a bit so as not to offend.......or maybe just trying to not sound so "crazy." Sometimes I think that's my beef with blogging. It takes so much effort to be "me" in a way better, politically correct version when I blog.

In the famous words of Dr. Phil, I ask myself... "So how's that working for ya?" I think you know the answer..

So, here's the gist. I have been born again by the power of an awesome, living God. He deposited in me a part of himself known as the Holy Spirit. That Spirit, which IS God, communicates Truth to me in a way that I can get it. My journey as a follower of Christ is dependent on listening to that Voice. I'm floored that an all-powerful God wants to make himself personally accessible to me. Crazy, I know, but it's true. Want to know what else is crazy? If you're born again, the same stuff is happening inside of you. I don't think I'm a preacher. I don't think I'm special. I don't even think I'm always right. I just think that being a "Christian" is that real, that relevant, and that personal.

So from here on out, in my attempt to not be a complete and total blog failure, I plan on sharing my own experiences with Him.

Really?

My second-born son is celebrating his birthday today w/ grandparents and aunts. One of his grandmas and two of his aunts went in together and bought him Guitar Hero World Tour. Seriously, I was fixing my hair listening to them singing "Eye of the Tiger" and "Livin on a Prayer." I thought I was going to crack up... SO STINKIN FUNNY!

It all comes down to this...

Almost 12 years ago I gave birth to my very first baby. In my heart I really wanted to have a boy. I grew up around all girls.....two sisters and mostly girl cousins. Everything about being pregnant the first time around is special...the attention, the clothes, the doctor visits, the nursery, the baby shower. There is so much anticipation and excitement AND without having anybody to take care of but myself and my husband, I had time to soak up that excitement. I had prayed in earnest for a baby and even written letters to my future children. Being a mother was all I really ever wanted (aside from marrying Prince Charming :-) God blessed us with a boy the first time around... and not just a precious, amazing boy, but a precious, amazing boy born with red hair... RED hair! We instantly fell in love.

As fairy tale as that all sounds, getting used to motherhood was at times more like a horror story. Me on no sleep and whacked out hormones is not a pretty picture. Learning to care for another life awed me. I didn't want to mess anything up. My child deserved perfection and I was going to try my darnedest to give it to him! I read parenting book after parenting book and prayed..a lot. Deep down, I knew that my mistakes would be many and that gnawed at me.

My how the years fly. In some ways, after more babies came, it all seems like a blur. I look at my oldest baby and I just don't understand how he got so big, so fast. He reminds me regularly that he is almost a teenager (because he knows I hate it) and I think I've lulled myself into thinking that I could continue to train him as if he were still my young child. Well, he's not.

During a regular homeschool day this week, Josh seemed very emotional about a subject. I continued to press him as to why he was getting so upset. A little digging caused a much deeper issue to surface. At first I was annoyed (this is "interrupting" school, you know) and then I realized that this was exactly what God wanted for our day. You see normally, I patch and fix everything for my kids. I'm "supermom" (as I tell them) and I seem to always have "the answer." I have no problem answering with, "I don't know," sometimes, but I have a knack for always resolving the matter somehow (so I think). In the midst of trying to encourage Josh, I got a very strong sense that right now, right here, things are different. I could clearly see the Josh needs to start depending on God ALL BY HIMSELF. I CANNOT remove his fears, I CANNOT convince him of things, I CANNOT KNOW GOD FOR HIM. But I want to.

You see, getting to know God is a very imperfect and windy road. It is amazing, it is hard, it is confusing, it is illuminating. I can't believe we're at this place, already. All the control I thought I had comes down to this....

trusting God to be Himself for my son. Oh Lord, why is that so hard?