Not so sorry.

It has occurred to me lately, that I've started censoring the things God is teaching me. You know, softening it up a bit so as not to offend.......or maybe just trying to not sound so "crazy." Sometimes I think that's my beef with blogging. It takes so much effort to be "me" in a way better, politically correct version when I blog.

In the famous words of Dr. Phil, I ask myself... "So how's that working for ya?" I think you know the answer..

So, here's the gist. I have been born again by the power of an awesome, living God. He deposited in me a part of himself known as the Holy Spirit. That Spirit, which IS God, communicates Truth to me in a way that I can get it. My journey as a follower of Christ is dependent on listening to that Voice. I'm floored that an all-powerful God wants to make himself personally accessible to me. Crazy, I know, but it's true. Want to know what else is crazy? If you're born again, the same stuff is happening inside of you. I don't think I'm a preacher. I don't think I'm special. I don't even think I'm always right. I just think that being a "Christian" is that real, that relevant, and that personal.

So from here on out, in my attempt to not be a complete and total blog failure, I plan on sharing my own experiences with Him.

Really?

My second-born son is celebrating his birthday today w/ grandparents and aunts. One of his grandmas and two of his aunts went in together and bought him Guitar Hero World Tour. Seriously, I was fixing my hair listening to them singing "Eye of the Tiger" and "Livin on a Prayer." I thought I was going to crack up... SO STINKIN FUNNY!

It all comes down to this...

Almost 12 years ago I gave birth to my very first baby. In my heart I really wanted to have a boy. I grew up around all girls.....two sisters and mostly girl cousins. Everything about being pregnant the first time around is special...the attention, the clothes, the doctor visits, the nursery, the baby shower. There is so much anticipation and excitement AND without having anybody to take care of but myself and my husband, I had time to soak up that excitement. I had prayed in earnest for a baby and even written letters to my future children. Being a mother was all I really ever wanted (aside from marrying Prince Charming :-) God blessed us with a boy the first time around... and not just a precious, amazing boy, but a precious, amazing boy born with red hair... RED hair! We instantly fell in love.

As fairy tale as that all sounds, getting used to motherhood was at times more like a horror story. Me on no sleep and whacked out hormones is not a pretty picture. Learning to care for another life awed me. I didn't want to mess anything up. My child deserved perfection and I was going to try my darnedest to give it to him! I read parenting book after parenting book and prayed..a lot. Deep down, I knew that my mistakes would be many and that gnawed at me.

My how the years fly. In some ways, after more babies came, it all seems like a blur. I look at my oldest baby and I just don't understand how he got so big, so fast. He reminds me regularly that he is almost a teenager (because he knows I hate it) and I think I've lulled myself into thinking that I could continue to train him as if he were still my young child. Well, he's not.

During a regular homeschool day this week, Josh seemed very emotional about a subject. I continued to press him as to why he was getting so upset. A little digging caused a much deeper issue to surface. At first I was annoyed (this is "interrupting" school, you know) and then I realized that this was exactly what God wanted for our day. You see normally, I patch and fix everything for my kids. I'm "supermom" (as I tell them) and I seem to always have "the answer." I have no problem answering with, "I don't know," sometimes, but I have a knack for always resolving the matter somehow (so I think). In the midst of trying to encourage Josh, I got a very strong sense that right now, right here, things are different. I could clearly see the Josh needs to start depending on God ALL BY HIMSELF. I CANNOT remove his fears, I CANNOT convince him of things, I CANNOT KNOW GOD FOR HIM. But I want to.

You see, getting to know God is a very imperfect and windy road. It is amazing, it is hard, it is confusing, it is illuminating. I can't believe we're at this place, already. All the control I thought I had comes down to this....

trusting God to be Himself for my son. Oh Lord, why is that so hard?

Myth Buster

So I was thinking of how my last post could be construed as a "Beaver Cleaver" kind of family experience. I decided to bust that myth because that is in no way what I meant about the recipe for true family. Let me explain...

Last Sunday was filled with lots of experiences and interactions between my family. We laughed, we yelled, we got mad, we made up. We cooked a big breakfast at 3 in the afternoon. It was fun, it was boring. We did end up having to leave the house. My kids discovered they could text each other using Nintendos and I let them.

It wasn't picture perfect and we didn't sing around the campfire. We DID learn more about each other, about tolerance, about love, about forgiveness. And we're learning about it together. My dream is that our family's function won't be handed over to the entertainment that comes so easily in our society. We're bonded not by perfection but by the experience of learning about each other in this petri dish called family. In my opinion, that is worth fighting for. Honestly, sometimes, I feel like I'm in a war.

Be still.

It is nearly 1 pm on Sunday afternoon. I am still in my pj's, wearing glasses, and my hair hasn't seen the likes of a comb today. My kids have probably asked me 10 times what we're doing today and they didn't like my response: NOTHING. I pointed out the constant flood of activity that went on yesterday... the friends they saw and games they played all throughout the day. They replied, "Oh," in a semi-surprised tone as if they had already forgotten about yesterday's entertainment.

So our agenda today is to be still. No noise. No tv. Nothing outside coming in. Just us.. each other. Spontaneous conversations. Nothing contrived or pre-planned. My recipe for true family.

Note to Self..

If I charge my own mp3 player, I wouldn't have to listen to Alvin & the Chipmunks, Miley Cyrus, or H.S. Musical tunes while I workout. Just a thought :-)

Numb

Obviously, from my month-long silence, I have had trouble being motivated to write about anything lately. I don't even know what I'm going to write about now, but I figured maybe if my hands hit the keyboard that something would come out. I think it is kind of like exercise, the hardest part is getting started...

Writing is sort of a love/hate relationship for me. On occasion, it has been a wonderful creative outlet for me and has helped to organize my own thoughts and beliefs. I have had so many "ah ha!" moments of my own while writing. On the flip side, it can just seem too emotionally taxing for me to put my thoughts on paper. Most of the time I am my own worst enemy and talk myself right out of it.

So, here I am. Sort of numb, sort of empty, willing to give it a try once again....


The past few days have sucked (sorry if that shocks you). I have wondered if God is there. I have wondered what the flippin heck is taking so long for our "situation" to turn around. I am tired (sick AND tired to quote Bill Cosby) of waiting. I have been angry. I have cried. Cried really hard. I have wondered if I like people at all anymore (very Christian, I know) and I feel as if I don't know anything for sure either.

So, I am empty of tears and empty of much emotion. I am simply waiting to hear the Voice in the calm that can make it all better.


Well, I guess that's a start.